My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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