Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
