Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
