im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I smell like Dick and happiness
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
