Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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