you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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