So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize