wanna go halves on a baby?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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