I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize