So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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