she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
