i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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