I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
