shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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