Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
