Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
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