i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
