You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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