i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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