i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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