I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
