people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
