Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
