i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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