Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
