I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize