I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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