So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he fucked my hip out of place.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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