I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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