i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
