Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
