There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
