She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
