Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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