May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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