my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
