I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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