god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
