Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
