he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
