last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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