my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
