before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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