sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
