yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
