i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
