if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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