How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
