Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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