I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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