I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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