woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
