bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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