So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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