There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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