my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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