I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
