Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
