Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
there is glitter all over my balls
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