I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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