Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
