If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
