I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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