after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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