Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
